The Secret Weapon for Parenting & Teaching Strong-Willed Children: Choices! | Blog Post 7

By Mikaela Ostrander

Now that you’ve got the “Three Strikes” strategy in your toolbox, let’s talk about the other side of the coin—the one that helps reduce power struggles before they even begin.

Enter: The Power of Choice.

If you’re parenting or teaching a strong-willed child (or a child with a pragmatic personality type), you’ve probably already discovered that demands don’t go very far. But when we shift from “Do this now!” to “Which one would you like?”—something magical happens.

Suddenly, the child isn’t being forced—they’re being empowered.

🧠 Why Offering Choices Works (Especially for Strong-Willed Kids)

When you offer two options (both parent-approved), you’re doing two things at once:

1. You’re setting the boundary: You’ve decided the structure, the timing, or the limit.

2. You’re giving the child control within that boundary: They get to feel capable, involved, and respected.

It’s a win-win—and it builds trust, regulation, and buy-in.

🛁 Real-Life Examples That Work

Here’s how it sounds in practice:

• “Do you want chicken nuggets or a sandwich for dinner?”

• “Do you want a bath in 5 minutes or 10 minutes?”

• “Do you want to brush your teeth or put on pajamas first?”

• “Do you want to start your homework at 4:00 or 4:15?”

You’ll be amazed how often kids comply simply because they feel like they’re choosing rather than being told.

🛏️ Using Choice to Wean from Co-Sleeping (Without the Nighttime Chaos)

This is a big one. If you’re transitioning from co-sleeping to independent sleep—and you’ve got a child who feels big feelings—the choice method can be your best friend.

Start by setting the clear boundary:

“Everyone at your age sleeps in their own bed. So we’re going to start doing that.”

Then hand over the small, meaningful choices that help them feel safe and involved:

• Let them choose which nights they want to take a bath and build a weekly schedule together.

• Let them pick their bedtime books and whether they want one or two read-alouds.

• Ask, “Do you want to turn off the light or should I?”

• At lights out: “Do you want me to lay with you for 5 minutes or 10 minutes?”

Gradually fade support:

“Okay, now I’m going to sit on the floor for 5 minutes, and then I’ll leave. I’ll come check on you in 10.”

If they show up in your room later crying or demanding to get back into bed with you, hold the boundary while still offering options:

“You can’t sleep in my bed, but you can sleep in your own bed or we can make a floor bed right here.”

(We even used a blow-up mattress for a while—safely—as a transition. Not for everyone, but it helped us ease the change with fewer meltdowns.)

By Mikaela Ostrander

Now that you’ve got the “Three Strikes” strategy in your toolbox, let’s talk about the other side of the coin—the one that helps reduce power struggles before they even begin.

Enter: The Power of Choice.

If you’re parenting or teaching a strong-willed child (or a child with a pragmatic personality type), you’ve probably already discovered that demands don’t go very far. But when we shift from “Do this now!” to “Which one would you like?”—something magical happens.

Suddenly, the child isn’t being forced—they’re being empowered.

🧠 Why Offering Choices Works (Especially for Strong-Willed Kids)

When you offer two options (both parent-approved), you’re doing two things at once:

1. You’re setting the boundary: You’ve decided the structure, the timing, or the limit.

2. You’re giving the child control within that boundary: They get to feel capable, involved, and respected.

It’s a win-win—and it builds trust, regulation, and buy-in.

🛁 Real-Life Examples That Work

Here’s how it sounds in practice:

• “Do you want chicken nuggets or a sandwich for dinner?”

• “Do you want a bath in 5 minutes or 10 minutes?”

• “Do you want to brush your teeth or put on pajamas first?”

• “Do you want to start your homework at 4:00 or 4:15?”

You’ll be amazed how often kids comply simply because they feel like they’re choosing rather than being told.

🛏️ Using Choice to Wean from Co-Sleeping (Without the Nighttime Chaos)

This is a big one. If you’re transitioning from co-sleeping to independent sleep—and you’ve got a child who feels big feelings—the choice method can be your best friend.

Start by setting the clear boundary:

“Everyone at your age sleeps in their own bed. So we’re going to start doing that.”

Then hand over the small, meaningful choices that help them feel safe and involved:

• Let them choose which nights they want to take a bath and build a weekly schedule together.

• Let them pick their bedtime books and whether they want one or two read-alouds.

• Ask, “Do you want to turn off the light or should I?”

• At lights out: “Do you want me to lay with you for 5 minutes or 10 minutes?”

Gradually fade support:

“Okay, now I’m going to sit on the floor for 5 minutes, and then I’ll leave. I’ll come check on you in 10.”

If they show up in your room later crying or demanding to get back into bed with you, hold the boundary while still offering options:

“You can’t sleep in my bed, but you can sleep in your own bed or we can make a floor bed right here.”

(We even used a blow-up mattress for a while—safely—as a transition. Not for everyone, but it helped us ease the change with fewer meltdowns.)

🤝 Compromising with a Pragmatic Child

Now here’s the twist: pragmatic kids love to find the loophole. They may try to invent a third option, and that’s okay—if it’s reasonable, hear them out.

This doesn’t mean letting them run the show. It means recognizing when a child is problem-solving, negotiating, or seeking to feel heard. If their suggestion is respectful and within the boundaries you’ve set, a little compromise can go a long way.

Example:

Child: “What if I take a bath tomorrow morning instead of tonight?”Parent: “That’s a good solution. You’ll need to get up earlier, but I’m okay with that. Thanks for using your problem-solving voice.”

🧩 Final Thoughts: Control That Builds Connection

Offering choices isn’t about giving kids all the power. It’s about teaching how to handle power responsibly—and that starts with small, safe decisions that build independence, confidence, and cooperation.

When paired with your “Three Strikes” system, this method helps balance in boundaries with empathy, and structure.

So next time you feel a power struggle coming on, pause and ask yourself:

“Can I turn this into a choice?”

You’ll be surprised how often the answer is yes—and how quickly things turn around when the child feels seen, respected, and in control.

✨ Want more strategies for raising emotionally strong, independent thinkers? Follow along and join the conversation—I’d love to hear how offering choices has worked in your home or classroom.

More resources on the 16 personalities, child development, classroom management, and even structured literacy - can be found at: mindchild.net

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