Why One Consequence Doesn’t Fit All | Parenting by Personality for Strong-Willed Kids | Blog Post 19

“I raised them all the same — I don’t know what happened to this one.”

If you’ve ever heard that line — or said it yourself — let’s gently challenge it.

Because here’s the truth:No child is actually raised the same.Not even in the same household. Not even by the same parents.

And that’s not a parenting failure — that’s human nature.

The Myth of “Same Rules, Same Results”

Every time a parent has a child, they bring with them a new set of experiences, stressors, and insights. Your first child? You were brand new, likely more anxious, more rigid, and learning everything on the fly. By your third? You’ve relaxed some boundaries, let a few things go, and picked up some practical wisdom (and maybe a little exhaustion).

So not only is the parent different each time — the child is too.

Different wiring. Different sensitivities. Different personalities.

Which brings us to this point:Your consequences and follow-through won’t land the same for each child — and that’s okay.

Personality Types and Consequences

Let’s break this down with real-life examples from my own home:

I have an INTP daughter and an ENTP son. Both are pragmatic thinkers, and both respond well to the 3-strike rule — they like clarity and logic. But what happens after strike three looks very different.

• My INTP daughter? Give her a time-out and she’ll look at me with a smug half-smile like, “Okay. And?”It doesn't phase her. It actually amps me up more.For her, a spanking (not out of anger) gets her attention because it disrupts that internal detachment and reminds her of a boundary being enforced.

• My ENTP son? Total opposite. A spanking wouldn’t work — it would either create drama or feel unfair to him. But a time-out with a 5-minute timer? Devastating. His fear of missing out (FOMO) is core to his personality.I’ll say, “Change your brain and be expected.” That resets him almost every time.

This is the power of understanding type. You can discipline without overreacting — and without overcorrecting.

ESFPs and ESTPs: The Social Powerhouses

Now let’s talk about two of the most misunderstood types: ESFPs and ESTPs. High energy, highly expressive, quick to react — and often the ones labeled as “disruptive” or “too much.”

Here’s the secret:

• They deeply care what others think — even if they pretend not to.

• They’re wired for shared experiences, and connection is their compass.

Timeouts work well if they include reflection on how their actions made others feel.Try saying:

“When you talk like that, people don’t feel safe or want to stay around. You’re a fun person, but this isn’t the kind of attention you want.”

They also REALLY hate getting their choices taken away from them so offering choices that are expected and within boundaries is needed..this would be the time to say something like, “do you want your choices on how to make us feel safe?” or “do you want options on how to [insert whatever they are trying to gain here]?” 

If they say no, can respond with the same script of the experience they’re giving you and then disengage .. or say something like - “Okay, I’m here to help you. I’ll check back in 5 minutes [or ‘once you’re safe’ — depending on the severity of the behavior]. I want to help you get what you want, but this is not the way to do it. Let me know when you’re ready for your choices.”

Then, it’s crucial to fully disengage. If safety is a concern, you may need to isolate them temporarily — but this step is key to retraining their behavioral patterns.

If they say yes, then continue to give them their choices and follow through with them. You can repair and state - that you are on their team against the behavior that is unsafe. YOu are allowed to feel all the emotions but you need to use it as a trigger to use a strategy, not a command to act out.

They need to learn that escalating, demanding, or dysregulated behavior will not get them what they want. In contrast, calming down, cooperating, and meeting expectations will move them closer to their goal.

This is how we teach kids to shift from reaction to regulation — and from control to connection.

If they can learn early that their behavior affects how others feel and respond, they’ll thrive socially.Left unaddressed, though? They might grow into the loud, attention-seeking young child and adult who never learns the difference between good and bad attention.

The “Difficult” Ones Aren’t Broken — They’re Misunderstood

Many of the children who get labeled “defiant,” “manipulative,” or “bad” are actually just confused and overstimulated by a society that doesn’t make space for their wiring.

And because they don’t fit the mold, the system often responds with:

• Shaming

• Excessive consequences

• Medication before exploration

But what they really need is:

• Clear boundaries

• Predictable consequences

• Language tailored to their type

• A steady adult who will say:“I see you. I’m not scared of you. And I’m going to teach you how to thrive here.”

What You Can Do Right Now

1. Know your child’s type (and your own!).It makes all the difference in how you discipline and connect.

2. Customize your consequences.Logical, consistent, and personalized is better than “one size fits all.”

3. Teach emotional cause and effect.Help them link their behavior to real-world outcomes — not just punishment.

4. Lead with connection, not control.Especially for the “hard to reach” kids — they need to feel safe before they can change.

Final Thought

If your child seems unaffected by your go-to consequences, it doesn’t mean they’re broken — it means they’re wired differently.When we shift from control to understanding, we stop seeing kids as problems to fix and start seeing them as people to guide.

And when we do that — those “strong-willed” kids? They become some of the strongest adults we know.

More resources on the 16 personalities, child development, classroom management, and even structured literacy at: mindchild.net

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