Parenting a Strong-Willed Child? How to Set Boundaries with the Strike Rule | Blog Post 17

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Parenting a Strong-Willed or Pragmatic Child: Boundaries, Choices, and the Strike Rule

Parenting a strong-willed or pragmatic child can feel like walking a tightrope. They often know exactly what they want, test limits, and aren’t afraid to push back. But with the right strategies, you can channel their strength into growth instead of conflict.

Why Boundaries Matter — And How to Hold Them

Strong-willed kids need clear boundaries just as much as any child. The difference? They’ll challenge those boundaries until they’re solid and consistent.

Here’s a simple script you can try:“I see you’re mad. You can be mad. You cannot hit. Take a breath with me, and count to three.”

(Or channel Daniel Tiger’s famous tune: “Take a deep breath and count to four…”)

This acknowledges their feelings without allowing unsafe behavior. It teaches emotional regulation — that feeling angry isn’t wrong, but acting out is.

Teaching Emotional Regulation with Personality in Mind

When kids grow older, you’ll want to adapt your language to fit their personality type:

• For an ENTP (like my son), I might say:“If you act out now, you’ll miss out on things that are important to you.”

• For an ESFP, it’s crucial to emphasize social consequences:“No one will respect you or want to be around you if you keep acting out. Let’s work on getting good attention, not bad attention.”

ESFPs thrive on connection and sharing, so telling them “It doesn’t matter what people think” won’t help—they care deeply about their social standing.

The Strike Rule: “Three Strikes You’re Out”

The strike rule is a simple but powerful way to give kids a sense of control while keeping expectations clear and consistent. There is always a consequence when they reach strike three, and this is where knowing your child’s personality type can make all the difference. Different kids respond to consequences in very different ways — some might need a time-out to reset, while others might respond better to a firmer consequence like a spanking (when used thoughtfully and never out of anger). Understanding your child’s unique way of processing consequences helps you guide them more effectively.

I use this strategy with all my students and my own children. They know that when they get to strike three, a negative consequence is coming . Here’s a simple example:

It’s time to put your shoes on.Child says, “Hold on,” and starts to dawdle or complain.I might say, “I see you’re feeling [frustrated/tired/etc.], but it’s time to put your shoes on. If they’re not on in one minute, you’ll get a strike.”

If the shoes still aren’t on after a minute, that’s strike one. The consequence after three strikes could be anything you choose: less screen time, no dessert, a chore, or something else that fits your family’s values and your child’s personality. On the flip side, if they keep strikes under two, there can be rewards — or sometimes the reward is simply a calm, happy household instead of stress and yelling.

Then I might say, “I’m going to give you one more minute before the next strike.”

If the shoes still aren’t on, I get a little firmer: “Strike two. It’s time to get your shoes on. If you don’t start putting them on by the time I count down from three, that will be strike three.”

I count down slowly: “Three... two...” If they start moving, I stop counting and proceed with two strikes but keep things calm and positive.

If it reaches strike three, I follow through with the consequence — and sometimes I even help by putting the shoes on myself to show that follow-through is real. Kids need to learn early that life will require doing things they don’t want to do. Tantrums won’t get them out of it. Whether it’s learning to discipline themselves or receiving gentle guidance, those small moments build important life skills.

During calm times, I also remind my kids: “You’re in control of your behavior. There are things we all have to do, and positive and negative consequences to all of our choices. 

Then follow through with - if you can keep it under two strikes, great — you’re making positive decisions. If not, I feel unheard and frustrated. I don’t want to yell or be in the red zone.  Let’s all stay in the green zone - it’s a lot more fun and the day goes smoother.

It is important for a pragmatic child to 

have choices whenever possible:“Do you want to start your homework now or in 5 minutes?”This helps kids feel some control, which is critical for strong-willed personalities.

Why This Works

Strong-willed and pragmatic kids test boundaries because they want control. When boundaries are clear and consistent, they feel safer and less likely to push back.

Consistency is key: the 80/20 rule applies. Most of the time, these strategies will work, but expect some testing and boundary-pushing. Hold firm, keep your protocols, and have a “good cop” support system if possible. Eventually, they’ll learn limits without feeling defeated.

The Bigger Picture: Fighting Dysregulation and Video Game Addiction

Many of these kids are also struggling with dysregulation fueled by overstimulation and lack of sleep — often because of video game addiction. This addiction fuels irritability and anger, making it even harder to regulate emotions at school or home.

Parents, wake up: your kids are going through withdrawal at school. Their anger isn’t just defiance — it’s a sign their brain is overwhelmed.

The Three F’s for Stability: Food, Fresh Air, and Fun

• Food: Teach healthy eating. Cook together. Nourish their brains.

• Fresh Air: Nature calms the nervous system. Go outside daily.

• Fun: Play, laugh, connect. Build emotional safety and trust.

These are the foundation blocks for regulation and healthy growth.

Final Thoughts: Building Respect and Responsibility

Respect and social standing aren’t demanded—they’re earned. Kids need to experience consequences, work hard mentally and physically, and learn through mistakes.

It’s time to stop letting video games hijack our kids’ brains and futures. Start by setting routines, enforcing boundaries, and filling their love tanks—even 10 minutes a day makes a difference.

You can do this. Hold strong, offer choices, and connect deeply.

More resources on the 16 personalities, child development, classroom management, and even structured literacy at: mindchild.net

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